What I would say to my younger self....

I dedicate this blog to my younger self.

 Welcome to the most random blog that I wanted to write after my LONG BREAK. 

The break I took from the blog taught me a lot about myself. 

So, a lot has happened till now. 

 

Why did I take a break?

I felt like the quality of my content was degrading(as if it was A+ before)

 

Disclaimer

Before I begin, this is the blog I am most scared to publish because I am not a registered psychiatrist or psychologist. I feel I can't comment on this. It's just my view. Please don't take anything seriously about what I am about to tell. 

Anyways, 

I realized there is some behavior I noticed in people or myself which were considered normal but were causes of childhood trauma.

 

 

Source: Mental health treatment

It is basically explaining behavior of babies when their needs where not met

 

I thought you get trauma when you have extreme things happening in life like abuse, rape, harassment, loss of a person, etc. But it also happens even in our childhood which we thought was completely normal.

I realized the bonding I shared with my family, friends, and even myself is pre-wired (in my subconscious mind)

Our subconscious mind acts most of the time. Around 95 percent of the things we do daily are on autopilot (We don't put much thought into eating, brushing, cleaning the house, and many more). 

But the surprising thing is when your body is under stress(flight/fight mode), you react in a pre-wired pattern. 

What is flight/fight mode?

It is a psychological reaction(For example, sweating, heart rate increasing, pain in the stomach) that our body gives when we encounter physically/ mentally overwhelming situations. 

For example, when you do something that triggers you, your mind goes into that familiar route of shutting down, where you shut yourself from others. That's a way of protecting yourself from the pain.

It is just one way of coping(ie. safeguarding ourselves)

 

Source:Quora

In my case, I would give the silent treatment. 

I would block and wait for them to understand that I was upset. I need not be upset with them, I could be upset on any matter in my life, but I would channel it on someone. 

I didn't realize what I did was toxic. It was my way of coping. I was shutting down myself (to be specific). The more I realized it was not a healthy way of communicating I wanted to change it.

 

Little back story

I am a single child, even though brought up in a joint family. I was the most silent one. I used to remember this story as a child. 

I burnt myself in an iron box. I didn't tell my parents until two weeks later they found out themselves. I didn't realize I had a problem communicating my problem to others until recently. 

I felt like my friends/family need to know how I am feeling without me telling them.

There are multiple ways of self-coping. If you notice, you might find a pattern in how you react when things go beyond your control. 

These patterns come from our childhood way of handling things or how our parents reacted in front of us.

Source:Reddit

Notice some people shout or get uncomfortable when someone shows vulnerability in front of them (eg. starts crying). That might be because they were not encouraged to show emotions by their emotionally immature parents who suppress their own feelings.

 

Often I see people trying to "fix" someone. They think they can change their partner's behavior to suit their needs. It comes from a place of feeling "in control." 

In my case, I didn't trust people easily. For example, if I delegate work to someone, I constantly micromanage them. It was my way of feeling in control. I felt if someone did the job instead of me, I would "lose" power. I don't know if it makes sense.

I wanted to get out of the pattern or "heal" myself.

 

Spoiler alert: Once you got out of that pattern. It doesn't mean you are out of that pattern forever. Some situations or environments bring that side of you again. But once you learn to get out of that pattern, you will know how to react when the next time it happens.

 

 

 

 I thought healing was supposed to feel safe and happy. But it's not. Healing feels uncomfortable. It almost feels like I am doing something wrong. There was both mental and physical resistance from my body.

 I wasn't feeling myself.

 I was anxious, cried a LOT, and got anger issues. It was my subconscious mind resisting me from change.

What can I say? Your subconscious mind likes comfort. If we try to break that pattern, it will try to pull us back.

Before changing your patterns, be aware of what is bothering you.

The anger usually comes from the fear of revisiting the childhood pain (which you have suppressed for years). 

Some examples of childhood pain:

1. You had to achieve something to gain love from your parents
2.  You felt isolated as a child.
3. Being told to make others happy at the cost of making you uncomfortable. 
   



Source:Tenor

 

How to heal?

I would advise taking help from a professional if it is hindering your day-day life. 

You don't take advice from random people on the internet(including me)