Taking care of your inner child...

How we handle situations such as stress, sadness, and anger has nothing to do with the environment. It was more of a coping mechanism that we learned from our parents.

 

There are two types of coping mechanisms: healthy and unhealthy

Healthy coping mechanisms to deal with emotional stress include taking a walk, working out, taking a break, journaling, etc.

Unhealthy coping mechanisms feel good such as drinking, substance usage(drugs), venting or showing anger at someone, etc.

It might feel good at the moment but later leads to shame and guilt.

It is a constant cycle.

 

We all have experienced trauma. We all have unresolved trauma.

Two things I want to highlight

1. Trauma is not bad. It doesn't mean life is full of sadness
2. Trauma does not depend on the size of the event

We can heal and move out of our patterns of trauma

 

To heal means meeting our authentic self

What is meeting our authentic self?

It is honoring the needs of our inner child and maintaining boundaries with others to meet our needs.

How to meet our needs?

The first step is being aware of our needs and trauma

For me, it was not so simple as that

I forgot most of my childhood memories

I always felt like it was how everyone felt.

Journalling might help to understand yourself. Your childhood can help you understand yourself better.

 

How to do that? 

 

1. Have your parents ever made you doubt your reality?

My father gaslighted me when I told him that people at my work made me feel uncomfortable emotionally. He said that exists only in my head. And that is normal for other people to act like that. And that I am taking it into your head. That stayed with me. Even now, I fear that people at my job at my new job which treat me and make me relive that pain and uncomfortably

So, 

"When someone doubted my reality, it made me doubt my own inhibitions." 

2. How would you feel when your parents made you feel ignored?

Whenever I am talking, it bothers me when someone is not paying attention. It makes me feel ignored. I get triggered, and it makes me feel withdrawn.

It might not be the same for you. You might feel withdrawn or try to get attention.

Spend time thinking about your childhood. How did you react/ cope in such a situation?

 

"When someone does not make me feel acknowledged, I would cope by feeling withdrawn."

 

3. Do your parents put others' needs in front of them?

For example, when I go to someone's house, my dad would always ask me to adjust and not to say no to anyone because it would hurt their feelings.

Now I feel pressurized to say YES even though I don't want to do some things

 

Does your parents allow you to say no to others or to themselves?

 

4. How your parents felt about their appearances?

My mom didn't allow me to sleeveless tops and jeans. Also, she would comment about how I looked better if I lost weight. It stayed with me. I would criticize myself and comment badly about others' appearances to make me feel better.

When I realized people commented on appearances (in a good or bad way) based on their modeled beliefs and values. That made me not take any comments personally.

 

What messages have you received regarding appearances from your parents?

 

5. How did your parents regulate their emotions when they had strong feelings like anger and sadness?

Did they give you the silent treatment, slam the door/vent, name calling/blame others? 

My mom used silent treatment to "punish" me to make me do something. If I resented, she would like not to talk to me for days till I do it. It was her trying to control the situation by "controlling" me.

People's behavior is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. They impose their self-image (how they should be), their insecurities, communication model(reserved, expressive), and their pain.

 

If you are aware of this, you won't take it personally.

But it doesn't mean you should accept the pain they cause you.

That's where boundaries work. Communicate to them about how you feel when they do that, ad ask them to stop.

 

6. Do your parents have boundaries?

Do your parents respect your boundaries? Do your parents invade your privacy(listening to your phone calls, do they allow you to say no? 

If you said no, did they feel offended?

Answer these questions to yourself to understand yourself better.

But,

How to understand the patterns?

Patterns are behaviors we do in our life subconsciously.

When I am triggered, I also follow silent treatment. I communicate by blocking or talking as if "I don't care" to protect myself from experiencing pain.

You can notice your patterns in your parents and closest members of the family. How they speak about themselves, their coping mechanisms, and how they take care of themselves(emotionally). 

We follow these patterns by observing patterns from the closest members.

 

Your healing starts from being aware of your patterns.